01.20.08
Sunday Humour: Oracle Forks the Linux Kernel
Oracle Announces Immediate Availability of the Ellinux Kernel
Bogus press release, for IMMEDIATE RELEASE
LONDON, England 20-JAN-2008 03:42 AM — Oracle has formally announced that it is no longer willing to become dependent on third parties. As such, the company has made the decision to fork the Linux kernel and have it optimized for better database performance and adapted to more restrictive licenses. “I am very pleased to share my kernel with a group of trusted partners,” said the company’s CEO, Larry Ellison. “I could not let my ego be deflated by allowing a guy from Finland to maintain control and therefore Ellinux was born,” he continued.
Oracle’s acquisition of Hyperion in March 2007 and BEA Systems only days ago provides more pieces with which Oracle hopes to compete against other software giants. The latter acquisition is bound to have a project renamed BEAllison and its new headquarters will be based in a yacht somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Oracle’s CEO previously commented on this decision, adding that its purpose was to ensure that Paul Allen’s yacht does not remain larger than his private one. Insinuation that this decision was related to Ellison’s self-esteemed were dismissed by analysts at IDC, which is a pay-to-say analyst firm whose prime investor is Larry Ellison.
For the full report, please contact Mister Black at IDC, mblack@idc.com
About Oracle
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Shares of Oracle rose 13.4% just minutes after this historical announcement. Linus Torvalds was not available for comment at the time of publishing.
Highlight: Novell was the first to acknowledge that Microsoft FUD tactics had substance. Novell then used anti-Linux FUD to market itself. 
Highlight: Xandros let Microsoft make patent claims and brag about (paid-for) OOXML support. 
Highlight: Linspire's CEO not only fell into Microsoft arms, but he also assisted the company's attack on GNU/Linux. 
Highlight: Microsoft craves pseudo (proprietary) standards and gets its way using proxies and influence which it buys. 
Highlight: The invasion into the open source world is intended to leave Linux companies neglected, due to financial incentives from Microsoft. 
Analysis: Xen, an open source hypervisor, possibly fell victim to Microsoft's aggressive (and stealthy) acquisition-by-proxy strategy.
Blabla said,
January 21, 2008 at 1:12 am
Oracle has formally announced that it is no longer willing to become dependent on third parties.
and now?