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03.31.09

IBM in Negotiations to Acquire Novell

Posted in Humour, IBM, Mono, Novell at 6:15 pm by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Summary: IBM still looking for the breakthrough deal with Big Red mond

“JAVA was just too powerful for us to have,” confessed Bob Satire, “so we decided to pursue a once-in-a-lifetime contract opportunity with Microsoft by buying a poor-but-functional copy of its key technology — called Perro — along with its parent company.”

It emerged last night from a source which does not wish to be identified that a bandit from a large city at South of the Border, who had spent the majority of his career copying the inventions of Gary Killdadd, wanted a new corporation from which to spread a language called C$ and a framework called Perro (meaning “dog” in Spanish). “We had some painful experiences with C and C++, and when Killdadd came out with Perro, we said, ‘Yes! That is what we want’,” he wrote in response to our inquiry.

“Novell is said to have been actively pursuing takeover possibilities, having witnessed its stock slip below $3 earlier this year.”IBM Commander-in-chief Sun Foot Moono was approached for a comment regarding this rumour about negotiations, yet he declined to comment.

Novell is said to have been actively pursuing takeover possibilities, having witnessed its stock slip below $3 earlier this year. “We struggled to find a suitor,” said Novell’s SCO. “Our technologies were so Microsoft-centric and not a single company cared for it. Most companies had already embraced GNU/Linux with Java or Python, so our Perro enhancements and accompanying patent protection, which is due to expire in 3 years, did not impress them.”

Apologetically, said the SCO, “we had to sell ourselves for a very low price. Our landmark agreement from November 2006 turns out to have rendered us next to worthless.” In a separate filing it emerged that Novell’s SCO laid off many of his GNU/Linux developers in order to make the company more attractive for potential takeovers, but pundits suggest that he did so in order to facilitate a $8 million bonus for his decision to put the company on sale.

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4 Comments

  1. Gentoo User said,

    March 31, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Gravatar

    I think the problem with your “humor” is that it’s too close to the day to day insults (direct and implied) and libel you hurl at de Icaza (and everyone else) to be of any meaningful comedic release whatsoever.

    That and the more disturbing stuff on your IRC logs make this attempt at “humor” fall rather flat on its face.

    You’re probably doing something wrong when your self-parodies can’t really be interpreted as such.

  2. Socceroos said,

    March 31, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Gravatar

    @Gentoo User

    Hahahaha, boy haven’t you got a chip on your shoulder!

    Good stuff Roy. Happy April Fools Day. =)

  3. Roy Schestowitz said,

    March 31, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Gravatar

    OMG, it’s the ‘Humour Police”!

  4. pcolon said,

    March 31, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    Gravatar

    Last century’s comedian Jimmy Durante said, “Everybody wants to get into the act; everyone’s a critic”.

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